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"I Have Herpes!"
Talking to Your Partner About STDs

by Tamar Love

Lately we've been noticing a disturbing trend in sexuality forums, community boards and chat rooms: people are wondering if they have to tell their sexual partners that they have herpes or other non-life-threatening STDs. The answer should surprise no one—YES! Telling your partner you have an STD can be frightening, devastating and humiliating, but is has to be done.

Sexually transmitted diseases or infections are a bummer for lots of reasons. In addition to the health consequences, having an STD can have long-term effects on your social, emotional and sex lives. As a final blow, you have to tell your partner you're infected with something nasty! It might be tempting to leave out that small detail—especially if your STD occurred in the past—but it's not fair to your partner, who may prefer not to take the risk of having unprotected sex with you.

We all know we have to fess up if we're HIV+, but when exactly do we have to tell the truth about other STDs? Use this chart as a guide:

*"previous" means anyone who may have been infected or who may have infected you.

When you get ready to have the STD talk, try to make it a little easier on yourself by preparing first. Check out recent statistics about STDs and review some general information about transmittable diseases. Look up your own specific condition and make sure you understand it's symptoms, communicability and treatment. You might want to purchase a book on your particular infection, or at least print out some reputable Internet information on the subject. You're looking for something simple, concise and easy to understand. Take this material with you and give it to your partner during your talk.

During the talk itself, remember to be compassionate. Sure, your STD has been a blow to you; however, you've had time to adjust to it. Your partner has not—he or she is hearing about it for the very first time, and may have an adverse reaction. Be prepared for shock, denial, anger, revulsion and pity. None of these feelings will be nice to experience, but after you talk to your partner, allow him or her to ask questions and present him or her with the research you've brought, your partner will (hopefully) be able to approach the subject with maturity, concern and compassion for your condition. Be kind, direct, honest and forthright. Answer as many questions as you can. Offer to let your partner speak to your doctor or another physician. Talk about different options, including any different precautions you may have to take. If your condition is serious or terminal, such as in the case of Hepatitis C or HIV, consider seeing a therapist together.

If your partner decides the worst—that he or she is no longer interested in seeing you—try not to blame yourself. With the types of prevention available today, there is no reason for anyone to forgo a healthy, happy sex live. However, some people have real difficulty accepting this fact. If your lover falls into this category, try your best to educate him or her about your options together. You may be able to change his or her mind. If your efforts are unsuccessful, try to be forgiving—but don't be too hard on yourself. Whatever you do, don't let this partner's negative response deter you from telling future partners. It's your duty as a responsible human being to help all your partners come to the relationship with informed consent.

Always talk to a prospective partner about STDs before you have oral, anal or vaginal sex with him or her, for your partner's safety and your own. However, if it "slips your mind," it's better to have the talk late than never. Your partner may be angry with you—and rightfully so!—but you owe it to him or her to come clean. Wouldn't you want your partner to tell you if he or she were carrying a virus or bacterial infection?

Read More

Herpes Update
STD Library
Contraceptive Chooser
How Safe is Safer Sex?
About.com Subject Directory: STDs

Have you ever had to tell a partner you had an STD? Share your thoughts on the sexuality message boards or chat about it with others! And don't forget to subscribe to Sexuality Snippets, our weekly sexuality newsletter.

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